Concussions. I instantly relate them to football, headaches, and athletes. I never thought I’d be the one dealing with the symptoms of a traumatic brain injury. For over 8 weeks now, I have been given strict orders (over and over again) to do NOTHING until I feel no more pain. But the pain resides, and only gets numbed by pharmaceuticals that I don’t want to be ingesting in the first place.
Working out. Oh How I miss working out every.single.day. Now? Running to the mailbox and back requires a 15 minute recovery window and hamstring cramps. Why did I run?
Thinking. In the beginning, I was afraid my mind would never be the same. How could I think the same way if I couldn’t move the same way? How could I be the same person, if I couldn’t be as quick, smart, and knowledgeable as usual. I can’t learn as quickly. I can’t stay focused on a single thing. My mind is all over the place. Overactive. Underactive. Unbalanced.
Working. I miss work. I miss training. I miss conversing with my coworkers and clients. I miss Fisha, our maintenance guy who is always the sweetest soul. I miss it all, yet its right around the block. I just can’t go in because my head will pound, my muscles will lock up, and my tears will roll. All I want to do is work, be productive, and be worthy. But I’m stuck with post concussion syndrome.
Living I hate being a burden. I hate being a sick person. I want to love on everyone else. I want to bring you hot tea and run your bath. I want to let you cry on my shoulder, but I don’t want to be that person in YOUR life. I don’t want to be an inconvenience to anyone or thing – ever. It’s my main concern, yet it shouldn’t be.
Self-Care If you’ve been following along my posts, you know I have a tumultuous relationship with food and body image. Well having my appetite center (amygdala – 4 F’s – Fear, Fighting, F*cking, Feeding) messed with, my anorexia has only made healing harder on me. The brain injury, the torn and damaged muscles just aching as I sit here and type this, and then my digestion disease acting up – my entire body from brain to toes is out of whack right now! It was so balanced and at it’s peak before I had a simple fall.
Life Lesson One second can change the rest of your life. And when that one second comes, you have to make a choice about what you want from here on out. Do I want to continue doing what made me so happy? Am I capable of doing it without pain, fear, and causing more injury? I’m not sure yet.
This was the 2nd time I was in the ER this year, so I honestly feel like the Universe (or my own energy, I create my own destiny) is trying to tell me to SLOW DOWN and evaluate the situation. Evaluate my career path and trajectory.
I obligated myself into a fitness position because of my FOGW. Fear Of Gaining Weight. I never wanted to be a “fat person” so training would obligate me to looking good for as long as my career. I fell in LOVE with training and realized it was 90% psychology, 10% anatomy and physical training. I found out, like the Guerrillas say:
So you can survive when law is lawless (right here)
Feelings, sensations that you thought was dead
No squealing, remember that it’s all in your head
I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I’m useless but not for long
The future is coming on
Conclusions I don’t know any. It is up to my brain and body to choose their own timeline of healing. If you’ve had experience with any of these feelings, please leave a comment below!
So I’m taking this break, and letting me rest, so I can be someone better, so I can be MY best.