Ramble On

My number one fear was that I would never be the same again. I wasn’t going to be able to do the things I loved, be the person I was, or live the life I wanted. I was right to be afraid…

Days passed of dark obligatory isolation. I crawled into the black hole I had been fearing for over a year. You know, that black hole that I had been dreaming of flying into and never coming out of. “Don’t you want to know what you’re made up of?” my soul begged daily. Hitting my head and severely traumatizing my spine and neck forced me to meditate in this black hole. Learn. Read. Listen. It made me be silent with myself and thankful for all that I have become. I may not be well, but I’m alive and trying to kick. I am alive. [[One morning I awoke so stiff I feared I was paralyzed. Luckily, I had Dane around to assist me and feel the same fear in his heart, but he knew I was going to be alright once medicated.]]

One simple fall. I slipped on a dry leaf and landed into my future.

I came into the fitness industry with a background of insecurities. One of the reasons I became a trainer was because it would obligate me to look good in order to keep my job, and be successful at it. I loved working out, so I would simply fill my time with something I “loved.” But I liked working out because I liked looking good, because it made me feel like I was WORTH something. How could I sell weight loss if I was fat? How could I sell nutrition plans if all I eat is junk food? I obligated myself to an extremely healthy lifestyle and thought it would be positive.

Nothing is black and white.

It was heaven at first. It was all AMAZING. Vida showed me my confidence, my drive, my abilities in psychology, connecting, networking, marketing, creation, team work, and so much more. It opened me to new ideas, new people, cultures – everything I could have wanted. I’m blessed to have it now. ❤

Eventually, due to my history of anorexia and overall low belief in myself, masked by a vain self-esteem, my job created a negative feedback loop. I was giving in to all of my worst fears – I WAS LETTING FEAR CONTROL MY LIFE!

You can only come from two places in this world: fear or love. 

It was tearing me up inside. Last year was my most phenomenal year in training, a huge upswing in my career. And yet, it was the worst year in my health history. I looked the best at my goal weight of 119 and low body fat percentage of 13%, and felt the most energized and loved in my life. I felt like a freaking rock star! But the whole time, I was battling illness after illness. Starting the year off right, I had the flu for a few weeks. In March 2014, I ended up in the ER from a misdiagnosis of “Giardia” for norovirus. I was given an antibiotic that shredded my GI tract and almost killed me. After 8 weeks of worsening illness, I returned to the GI doctor for internal tests. I was diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease, Ulcerative Colitis. The UC drained my morale and my physical abilities for 6 more weeks. I went on a grain-free and fiber-free diet, and went straight back to bodybuilding and working full time as soon as I could. I managed the disease well with a strict diet and exercise to relieve my stress. Months passed and I was happy, surpassing personal goals, and getting praised for my good work.

In November 2014, I fell down 4 concrete steps and knocked myself out.

All on my left side, I suffered a broken face, severely bruised temple, whiplash, and torn muscles from the bottom of my left Latissimus Dorsi, up to my Sternocleidomastoid, and down to my left finger tips. Everything has been torn at the deepest level possible, and still is sensitive to the touch.

I suffered a concussion, which has turned into Post Concussion Syndrome. Any time that my brain gets over-stimulated, I suffer a severe migraine and feel like I’m going to faint. Low blood pressure, low blood sugar, low tolerance to light, sound, and company. Back to the black hole, please. It still happens almost daily and it’s been 11 weeks. I have good and bad days, but the more activities I do, the more sensitive I become to light and sound. The less I do – the more I am relieved of pain.

I have changed. I am different. Everything in my perspective and life is changing and will continue to change from here on out. I’m choosing a new career path that will be focused on healing. Yes, I will still be a personal trainer, but no more HIIT days for a while. In the meantime, consult me for nutrition, life coaching, finding spirituality, overcoming a fear, or just an ear to listen.

Thank you all for your amazing loyalty and trust.

Love,

Nicole

PS: It was very difficult for my brain to make one flowing blog post. Enjoy the broken thought processes.

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